i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
