She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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