Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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