toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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