All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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