I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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