Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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