I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
