i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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