then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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