Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
3 2 1 whiskey
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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