I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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