Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
