I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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