Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
