everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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