I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
