He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
