You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
