there's paper in my vomit.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Even my vagina gasped.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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