dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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