If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
a search helicopter?!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
