You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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