I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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