When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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