on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
