His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
