That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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