i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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