I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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