I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
