I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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