I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
