I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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