I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
