THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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