the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
