bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
