gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
