life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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