i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
