Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just forgot I was standing up.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
