Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
