nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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