I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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