just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
