don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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