I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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