my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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