I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
