After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Randomize
