I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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