She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
