So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
