I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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