hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need a beard to bite.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
