We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
