So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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