Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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