I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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