I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
