every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Randomize
