2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
