so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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