he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize