i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
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