Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
